What Constitutes "Cheating" In a Committed Relationship?
Posted: Thursday, December 14, 2006
by Jim Stillman
Cheating is the Violation of Exclusivity, Physical and Emotional that Binds Those in a Committed Relationship There is some controversy as to that which constitutes "cheating" in a marriage or other committed relationship.
The context with which I am most familiar involves adultery as a ground for divorce. But the concept of "cheating" applies to all kinds of committed relationships, married or unmarried, heterosexual or gay.
In more modern times, the concept of adultery has gone through some modification. It illustrates the difficulty in defining even terms as "cheating".The traditional definition of "adultery" is sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse. Technically, when President Clinton denied having "sex" with "that woman", he was correct, if you assume that unfaithfulness requires a completed sexual act, intercourse with some penetration. This is, in fact, the traditional common law definition. Another issue is whether a homosexual act with a person of the same sex would constitute "adultery" in connection with the injured spouse's divorce petition.
Courts are not united on this issue. In many instances, the issue is resolved by specific statutes on the subject. In New Jersey, for example, in 1967, the Chancery Division of the Superior court held,
"Even actual proof of sexual conduct with a third person other than intercourse is not tantamount to adultery."
Similarly, the Supreme Court of Alabama held in a 1968 case, that testimony of a female witness in an action for divorce that she had "sexual relations" with the husband but that she had not had actual sexual intercourse was not sufficient to prove adultery on part of husband.
Years ago, as an attorney practicing marital law in New York, I represented a man whose wife had had a lesbian affair; under the law at that time, adultery was the sole ground for divorce. Adultery was, conventionally, defined as a sexual act which would not have included lesbian activity. I argued to the appellate courts that adultery, or cheating, was any act that undermined the very essence of a committed relationship. I argued then, and would argue now, that the relationship existed whether the parties were heterosexual or homosexual; the only condition precedent would be if the parties considered it a truly committed relationship or if it were a marriage.
The courts were not swayed by my brilliance and eloquence. Not for the first time, I must admit. In any event, the New York divorce statute was changed effective 2003 to specifically define "adultery" as including homosexual acts.
The essence of a committed relationship (I am of an age where this means "marriage") is exclusivity, physical, emotional and any other kind. Anything that impinges on that exclusivity is harmful and "cheating".
Recent court decisions have come to agree with my argument framed in the early 1970's.
A New Jersey court summed up the rationale for including homosexual and other affairs as "cheating". The court was called on to consider whether the wife's extramarital lesbian relationship constituted adultery. Stating that an extramarital relationship is just as devastating to the wronged spouse regardless of the specific sexual act performed by the promiscuous spouse or the sex of the new paramour, the court concluded, "It is not the intent of this court to either condone or condemn homosexuality; that is a social issue best left to a more appropriate forum. What is important is to define, in human terms, those acts which constitute adultery so as to give rise to a termination of the marriage. Accordingly this court finds that adultery exists when one spouse rejects the other by entering into a personal intimate sexual relationship with any other person, irrespective of the specific sexual acts performed, the marital status, or the gender of the third party. It is the rejection of the spouse coupled with out-of-marriage intimacy that constitutes adultery." [Emphasis supplied]
"Cheating" does not have to involve actual sexual conduct with a person other than a spouse (or other than the partner in a civil or same-sex relationship). One cheats when one shares intimacy with the non-partner and violates the quality of exclusivity.
Short of actual physical sexual content, what is "cheating"? A husband's having lunch with another woman may not be cheating, but spending much time with the "other woman" and sharing intimate experiences and memories may very well be. It depends.
So, does having a sexual relationship outside of the marriage constitute "cheating"? That's easy; it does.
The hard part is when the outside relationship is of a non-physical intimacy. Is that "cheating"? It may very well be.
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More commentsClitoral orgasm with other than husband is not cheating when husband shows no affection towards wife
I like this article and for me proved my point. I was having a debate of what cheating is. In my view, anything that is intimate (including kissing) that is done with someone else other than ones boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse etc, is cheating. The whole point of the other person being in ones life is to share life and intimacy. Once it's shared with someone other than one's other half, it's broken, the trust has gone. Jim, I concur.
This article was very helpful. I have been struggling with these issues in my marriage, especially with subjects such as lap dances at strip clubs, and the like. All of which are "accepted" by society in general, but can be hurtful in a marriage. Thank you for your insight.
Thank you for your definition of cheating. But what about lap dances? I am struggling with this as my husband views participating in a lap dance as innocuous, but it feels like a violation of exclusivity to me. It hurts but there is so much at stake when choosing to leave a marriage. Is it cheating?do you give your husband lap dances? would you like to on a regular basis? if a lap dance is what he wants and you do not provide it then is he to go without? perhaps try the shoe on the other foot, if you want something that your husband doesn't or can't provide then do you seek to fulfill your wants by other means?
sometimes we kiss another person without having feelings for that person and without giving it a second thought.is kissing someone who isn't your partner really cheating?
This article is very helpful to me. It confirms my view. In particular the definition of of cheating being the violation of exclusivity, physical and emotional that binds those in a committed relationship. Cheating include both physical and non-phisical acts including being given a massage and getting sexually aroused. Thank you very much.
I am looking for examples of cheating. As someone who is relationship stupid, because I wasn't taught anything about relationships. Why are there rules as to what men can't do but women can, that don't make any sense to me what so ever.Cheating to me is considered anything that makes me uncomfortable in my relationship. Texts that are with old girlfriends, and things of the such are considered cheating in my book...
My suggestion is probably as controversial as it gets. But I say that when individuals get legally married by the court they have to create and sign a contract that explains in detail the terms and conditions of their marriage, with appropriate witnesses.I think that before we can define 'cheating' we have to define 'marriage'. To me 'cheating' is the violation of what the parties agreed upon in that contract.I believe that the complexity in cases of cheating comes from the fact that many elements of the act are 'implicit' and not well defined. I feel that falls upon the individuals getting married to explicitly define the nature of their relationship.Now, I understand that this takes a lot of 'magic' out of marriage. But I think that it will save people a lot of heartache should the marriage fall. I know what people must be thinking, that this concept almost assumes failure thus helping to bring failure about.But if I've learned anything as a business student, it is that all investments come with some inherent risk, and more likely than not additional external risk. It might sound cold but to me marriage is clearly an investment and a major one at that. Just like any large financial investment care must be taken to develop effective precautions.
Then I am cheating having an Online relationship, but for me as a women is more an emotional thing that my husband cant give me, instead i do have to give him what he wants i think is not fair enough.
This article is ridicules…..
Cheating is anything that one or other of the couple finds hurtful, if there is so little feeling in the relationship that one of the parties does anything that he/she knows is going to upset the other then all is lost….
Even if it’s only chatting, innocently of course, on the phone to an ex husband / boyfriend… for example!
Time to reconsider…. !!
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